nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
