I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
