He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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