My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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