i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
