She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
