Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
