you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
