I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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