I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
false alarm. still invincible.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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