so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
