I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
