no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
