God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
