If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
