she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
