You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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