I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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