Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
