HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
