I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
