God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
