The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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