then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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