the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
