you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
