Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
