You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
high people should be assigned attendants
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
