Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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