There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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