In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
