she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
