I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
