and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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