you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...
A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
