hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
