since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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