I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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