you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
