Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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