I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
