I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
