Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
