I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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