I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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