why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
