I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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