There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
