I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
