my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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