I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
