I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
